I failed my one hour glucose test today after only having one banana for breakfast. Every time I step into a doctors office something else goes wrong. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to come along and slap me in my face. My three hour glucose is scheduled for next Monday morning and I'm so scared to go into my doctors office. I dont think I can take anymore bad news. I've also scheduled my fetal MRI for next wednesday. 10 am they will do an ultrasound and at 11:30 they will perform the fetal MRI.

Today I spoke to a photographer with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (www.nilmdts.org) to see about scheduling a photographer. This is a nonprofit organization that in situations like this donates their time to go to the hospital to take pictures of babies with their families either before the baby passes or after. I wanted to wait on calling until I got my amnio results but the website said to call as soon as you know you might need their assistance. The lady took my information and when I know more I need to call them back. If I have a scheduled delivery or induction then I need to let them know the date and time so they can be there. I dont know how these photographers do what they do but I think it's amazing for them to offer their service and pictures at no cost to help families in the healing process. This might be the only time a family in a terrible situation is able to get professional photos of their little miracle.

I'm trying to stay positive but it's harder said than done. It's much harder than anyone can possibly imagine. I've decided that after I stop cramping from the amnio that I want to enjoy everything I have left about this pregnancy. I'm going to buy paint and put my kids hand prints on my belly and take my own pics here at the house. I'll try to do something like this weekly. I'm going to start a photo album and put all of Sophia's ultrasound pictures and all my belly pictures in it. Tonight I'm going to talk to my husband about us getting 3D pictures of Sophia and about getting some maternity pictures made. I'm not sure what to do on the maternity pics...... I'm not THAT big yet but considering we dont know if Sophia will survive to her due date I dont want to not have them done and then not have the chance. I think I'll try to wait and see what happens on those. After all, Sophie's heart is still beating strong (150 bpm today) and we dont have the results yet.

Seeing Sophie's face yesterday...... God she is beautiful!! I am so in love with my daughter....

Today I asked my OBGYN if he was still willing to perform my tubiligation and he said no. I would have to wait awhile to make that decision because in his opinion right now I'm too emotional to make the call. Even if I wanted to, I cant make a baby on my own! My husband is so heart broken over all of this I know he does not want to try again. He cant handle going through another loss. Fathers love all their children but there is a special thing between a father and his daughter even before she is born. He's been so strong during all of this or at least he has been in front of me. I'm sure he's broken down but he's being my rock.

Our Amnio preliminary results are negative for Downs, Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18. Although I should be jumping for joy, now I'm scared to death of Sophies quality of life. The high risk doctor told us that if it's not fatal she will require so many specialist which means her quality of life will not be what we hope it to be. I feel so alone, although I'm not, and I'm honestly just scared. We dont have the means to take care of a child with such severe malformations. My high risk doctor hasnt seen these type of malformations for awhile and it reminded her of something they saw in the 60's and 70's that was caused by some drug that was out on the market. Will my daughter be in pain? Will she be able to breath on her own? Will she require surgery after surgery and never have the opportunity to enjoy life because out of selfishness we are trying to keep her with us? I dont know how to think about all of this. It's just too much.

I hate to think that as soon as she's born doctors and specialist will want to pry and poke at her because everyone wants their time to shine. I hate to think that they will want to do x-rays, mri's, surgery, etc, and not allow her to just be her.

I got on my knees earlier and asked God that if he must take my daughter to allow my step-dad, her papa, to be the one to come and get her. Let her be taken in the arms of an angel that will love her and hold her until I get there.